Smelly Paragliding

People who are uptight annoy me – fun is fun and dammit, I want to have as much of it as possible. Laughing at someone else’s expense is generally a not-so-nice thing to do, but I think in some cases it’s perfectly deserved and acceptable. Here are some things that paraglider pilots do or are which amuse me, irritate me, or send me running…

1. Wearing a ski suit when flying – I’m sorry, but anyone who does this looks like a dork…especially when their ski suit matches their glider. I know paragliding isn’t a fashion sport, but please people, in order to retain some shred of dignity, remember that your neglected 90’s ski suit shouldn’t match your wing and would probably look better hanging in the window of an op-shop than on you.

2. Short shorts – why is it that European men wear short shorts? There was one pilot in Manilla who wore these short purple shorts that had slits on the sides and would sort of flow as he walked by – how is that attractive?! It’s definitely not, and in fact it’s disturbing and disrespectful to wear such distracting clothing around fellow pilots! Paraglider pilot or not, men who wear short shorts should be arrested.

3. Blinding patterns – neon colours with repetitious patterns is not cool. Repeat that in a different way – paragliding equipment dated pre-2000 is generally not suitable for public viewing due to the risk of severe ocular damage. Nothing makes me cringe more when I see some guy whip out a harness with 8 different uv’d neon colours, attached to a glider which looks almost transparent. Besides the fact that this type of equipment might not exactly pass safety tests, it looks too ugly to fly, and should therefore be chucked. No two ways about it – if it’s hideous, it’s not airworthy.

4. Nerds – ever notice how many nerds there are in paragliding? I think it’s a fairly safe assumption to make that the majority of pilots are middle aged Caucasian men who work in the IT sector. The idea of communication systems, varios, gps’s, backup gps’s and entering waypoints into electronic gadgets must be heavenly – nevermind the incredibly exciting topics of polar curves, wing loadings, aerodynamics, and glide ratios. Paragliding is definitely a nerdy sport – think about it.

5. Caked on sunscreen – I always find it amusing talking to pilots who look like neglected children with sunscreen smeared all over their lips and faces. Many pilots must find the concept of blending sunscreen into their skin foreign, and therefore leave it on their faces until it eventually absorbs, but not without first getting all over their helmets, gloves, and other possible body parts. I understand that especially in our sport, sun-protection is vital, but I won’t apologize for the smirk on my face when talking to a pilot who has a perfect white ring flaking around his mouth.

6. Trotting off launch – why do people with perfectly good running skills trot off launch? You’ll see a fairly normal looking pilot in a regular setting and suddenly he turns into a complete doufus tip-toeing off the hill. It’s so disappointing! Run normally! Running like there’s shit in your pants won’t help you launch better and only makes you the center of attention in a very bad way.

7. Peeing around takeoff – maybe if I were a man I would have no problems whipping things out of my pants and relieving myself whenever I’d feel like it, but can you please not pee next to my glider? I don’t know how many times I’ve turned around to get my gear and there’s some guy standing nearby reacquainting himself with his trusty friend. Here’s a piss tip for all men out there: pick a spot where you think you should like to pee and walk 10 feet further from that spot and pee there instead. Avoiding awkwardness is helpful to all!

8. Profuse sweating – paragliding can be a sticky, smelly sport. There’s nothing worse than having 5 layers of clothing on scratching around the trees for an hour below launch height sweating like a donkey, getting up to base and freezing your ass off, and then landing in the middle of fucking nowhere in 40 degree heat. When this happens, the people who pick you up are doing you a real service by spending the time and effort to come retrieve you. Do them a favour when you get in the truck and KEEP YOUR ARMS DOWN! I’ve been to hell and back many times: sit in a vehicle with 4 men who have just landed, and who are using the seats as a sponge and the vents as dryers and then tell me if it’s possible that a date with the devil could be any worse. I don’t think so!

I don’t mean to imply by any of this that I’m not any of these things or have not worn short shorts at one time or another. I’d also love to believe that I smell heavenly at all times because as a women, I am a magical being who doesn’t ever have to worry about icky bacteria causing strange odours, but I do have to suppose it is possible that once in a blue-moon, this isn’t quite the case.

For the most part, I love paragliding, but the things mentioned above are not so fun. For things in our sport to be funner, only small changes need to be made. I suggest a revolution, one point at a time!